Justified
by uwprincess
Summary: This is a Donna centric rant that I think justifies her choices even though they make me sad.
1. Chapter 1

This piece follows an episode I saw the other day on Bravo repeats, thank God for Bravo! The episode is The Dover Test and it really shows Josh and Donna at the brink of danger. It is meant to be a very Donna centric rant that I feel after watching that episode is very justified.

Hopefully you remember the Dover Test but if not, I hope it makes sense anyway.

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I could slap those stupid dimples off his moronic face. You know how sometimes you are so mad at a certain situation that you take it out on someone? Well this is not the case. I used to think I was only mad at the situation- naïve girl falls in love with her older boss who obviously has feelings for her but can never act upon them due to the damaging effect it could have on the honor and prestige of the President of the United States- you know your typical everyday romance problems. I thought I was only mad because of that minor detail known as the White House Presidential Press Corp making it their life's ambition to turn everything into a scandal and thus making my love for Josh be something I had to bury inside and resist the urge to act upon. But now? Oh, NOW I am no longer mad at the situation, I am 100 mad at Josh Lyman himself.

The anger and resentment towards the said man whom I previously felt the greatest admiration and loyalty towards came to my attention gradually over time. For a great long while I denied that anger like I denied my love for him but more recently it has been rearing its extremely justified head basically anywhere and everywhere it sees fit. Take for example, if you will, the other night at the reception for revealing the plans for Bartlett's Presidential Library.

The scene is this: I have spent an extra hour and a half preparing for an event due to the fact that I am on crutches and cannot very well pull my panty hose up as effortlessly as I once took for granted. Despite the enormous amount of "breaks" I had to take while blow drying and styling my hair, it looks pretty good and my dress is one that I splurged on and feel really great in. I hobble into the bull pin in time to see Josh emerging from his office and instead of eliciting a simple "you look amazing" I get a "It is about time you made it back, where are the numbers from the OEOB I was waiting on?"

Speechless, I lean on my crutches (because I don't have much choice) and wait in the hall until he remerges from his office and takes in my appearance. I get a "You look nice."

He then promptly heads back into his office and later leaves for the reception with Toby while shouting over his shoulder that he will "meet me in there!" The nerve of that SOB.

I am left to hobble down the hall with Margaret who is kind enough to walk beside me.

I decide not to let the Lyman Loser spoil my evening and enjoy very pleasant conversation with Margaret. We get on the topic of this new guy who I am seeing (or more accurately being stalked by) and just when I have finally laid out the details and am eagerly awaiting my dose of girly advice I am interrupted by a red-wine-caring Josh. What makes it worse is that he's got that look on his face like he has busted me for doing something wrong because it is oh so clear that he has been listening for a good portion of my romantic confessions. He always acts as though my relationships aren't worth anyone else's time of day. He makes some joke to dismiss mine and Margaret's conversation.

"Nice of you" I quip when I notice he has not brought me a glass of anything to drink- have I mentioned to you that I am on CRUTCHES here! He tries to offer me his wine, which would be sweet if it wasn't for the fact that I drink white and he should know that. He takes it back and is saved from a five-step trip to retrieve me my own glass when Toby passes me some champagne. I can't help but glare at Josh. He looks a like he knows he's in trouble but can't imagine why.

The event ends early and needless to say I go home perturbed. He offers to drive and I decline saying I have some things to discuss with Margaret. This peaks his jealousy meter- I can tell- but he just grunts and says he will see me tomorrow.

The next day is pretty tough on me. The first death in the peacekeeper mission that came as a result of the Middle East talks which, one could argue, came as a result of the Middle East CODEL trip, occurred last night while we were wining (or champagning as the case may be) and dining at the reception. I find myself unable to focus throughout the day and am often caught starring at the TV reports on every television I pass by. Not that Josh would notice this, but I am going through some pretty emotional stuff.

As I turn about from my latest pause to view, I catch the idiot boy thrusting MY card from MY flowers back down into the vase. He has a sick look on his face and although I would usually let such a blatant attach on my privacy go, today I cannot help but be pissed. "Can I help you?" I ask as I approach my desk where said flowers are displayed. He is caught off guard and makes some lame excuse before he tries to switch to small talk.

"You're getting pretty good on those"

He attempts to flatter me on my crutches skills. What a dumpkiss. "Thanks" I say with false sincerity- he picks up on it.

"New cast?"

Nice try Lyman, I think to myself: "Two weeks ago" I answer with a less then impressed tone.

He moves onto the meat of the matter- "Those are nice flowers, BUT I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE? FROM A PHOTOJOURNALIST? COME ON."

Did you notice his voice raised a little there at the end? And he is still obsessing over Colin. It is obvious that he is jealous because he is in love with me and this is where my sensitivity to the situation and deep moral obligations to serve the President to the best of my abilities usually comes into play and I use my powers of self control to avoid offering myself to him anytime, anyplace seeing as how he wants me so bad and all.

But today, today is different and I realize that I am not just upset that we cannot be together but, and I may have mentioned this before, I am actually physically 100 upset at Josh. Joshua, Josh, Josh. MY JOSH. At this moment I am not just upset with the situation but I am upset with HIM! It is a breakthrough, one I wish I didn't have to have.

Now the confrontation about the flowers ends as they all do- I ask him to be straight with me about how he feels and he blows me off. This goes like this:

"Why were you reading my card on my flowers on my desk?" (I could add, but I don't "Is it because you are in love with me and you don't want any competition?")

He answers in the smuggest and glibbest fashion so that I know he is a total schmuck "I thought they were for me?"

And I could've responded if he hadn't walked away so fast with "AND I THOUGHT I WOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE IT THROUGH A WHOLE DAY WITHOUT WANTING TO KILL YOU BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG YOU JERK FACE!" But like I said before, he walked away to fast.

Now, I feel I must pause here to fill you in on that fact that when the above flower exchange took place a crucial piece of information was revealed to Josh. The flowers are not from Colin, the "Blarney Boy" as he likes to say, but rather from the same pursuer I was discussing with Margaret when he so rudely interrupted without serving me at the reception. There I was mentioning the unending attention I was getting and now the card had pointed out the resolute staying power of my new gomer, oh I mean semi-boyfriend. All of these facts together must equal in Josh's mind that I have found a serious suitor, this he cannot have. To bad for him I may have found my future husband…

Or…not. Who am I kidding this guy is crazy and I had every intention of telling him that when he called me for the fifty seventh time at work that afternoon. I was in the process of letting him down gently when Josh swooped in from behind to grab the receiver from my ear and shouted "NO MEANS NO" to the poor and pathetic loser on the other end.

I was beyond horrified. Josh's hand lingered on my arm as he pulled away and he had leaned into me enough so that I could smell the remnants of his aftershave but that was beside the point- he had ended MY phone conversation with MY hopefully ex-stalker.

The man just kept walking and threw back these two comments to my totally stunned face "Who is this jerk some slacker from physical therapy? I'll kick his ass."

The second was this: "You can thank me for my chivalry".

I was in such shock that I could do nothing. I threw down my highlighter in disgust which had little affect on the boss man who was already halfway down the hall.

The truth of the matter is that as long as I stay working with Josh he is always going to have that ability to walk away from me. He is always going to get the last word in because he makes sure of it. I don't think he walks so fast for no reason; avoiding facing his feelings is what he does best.

Well maybe if I walk away, maybe just one time if I am the one who turns and leaves him, then it will get his attention. I can't just pretend to be mad at the situation anymore because lately I am mad at Josh. I began to update my résumé tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

This is the second Donna rant that I felt would follow the Al Smith Dinner: poor thing (but an empowered poor thing!)

"I'm still waiting for the spatula so I can shove it UP YOUR ASS!"

I think that is what I was going to say before Lou interrupted with the news that a pro-choice group might possibly support a Republican for the first time I think ever. I had some opinions on that but you will hear about that later.

Anyway I was called up to the campaign headquarters which made me nervous enough because I knew I might actually see him. I didn't expect Josh to be lead into the room by Lou. I was caught completely off guard. He had this goofy grin on his face right up until the moment he saw me- he then turned to ice. He stiffened right up and greeted me with a shocked "Hi", I did the same.

I think he would've gone on pretending like he wasn't mad at me until Lou outted him and said "I don't know what's going on between you two but she's great on TV (did I mention I really like Lou?). I was too stunned by this quick confrontation and the fact that Josh had apparently been badmouthing me to Lou to even enjoy the complement. Last I checked Josh missed me everyday but his hands were tied and he was unable to hire me because of the things I'd said about Santos. After lots of tears, I decided to find someone with less of a conscience and when I interviewed with Lou I knew I had found my "in". I honestly never thought I would be in the campaign limelight and really wasn't sure if Josh would even know I was on staff.

But, low and behold, the Santos campaign needs someone wide eyed and innocent to talk about abortion. I think the main requirement was a uterus and believability and that fine state of Wisconsin gave me both! So there I was one moment a behind the scenes player and the next a nationally televised face. My heart was racing while I read the statement but for one reason alone: I knew he was watching. I wanted to do my very best so that he knew where my loyalties lie. I wanted to do my very best so he knew that I could do this. I wanted to do my very best…for him.

So afterwards I am called up to the hotel, I think to meet with Lou, and she leads him right in to see me dropping the news that he is not pleased with my performance. That is when I decided that I didn't need to please him and I could care less. I couldn't wait to hear what he had to say.

"What kind of on the record experience do you have?"

I couldn't believe he wanted a JOB INTERVIEW! I wanted so much more but I guess he will never understand that. I asked him if it was and he gave some snide comment about being the Campaign Manager yada yada and I wondered if he felt he had to puff himself up for me because deep down he knew I knew all his weaknesses. Maybe he is afraid to have any of his past missteps (and believe me I know them all) come to light now that he is a big shot campaigner. Anyway all of that is an afterthought because right at that moment I wanted to shout but I was able to say flatly "Santos McGary campaign 6 ½ hours ago." POINT FOR DONNA! The high and mighty campaign manager seems to be unaware of who his spokespeople are. I was going to add "maybe someone could get you a tape" but he had moved on to references.

REFERENCES? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I answered with that tone of voice as I threw his name at him: "Josh Lyman, check the main switchboard". Maybe he was going to pretend that the past 7 years never happened but I certainly was not.

This is when the shoe fell. Loyaltly. He had said the word that was for him the most important thing above all else. Josh really is a loyal guy. President Bartlett once told Josh that while he wanted to be the guy, the one who did stuff and got the credit, that Josh wanted to be the guy the guy depended on. If you followed all that it simply means that Josh wants to get the job done for someone he cares about no matter what.

While this a fine sentiment, Josh Lyman has spent most of his adult life neglecting his own desires. I think we all know specifically one I am referring to. My loyalty to myself, my need to branch out and get a new direction in life is something that he holds against me and probably always will. For that I am sorry. But what I am NOT sorry about is getting out of the grunt work and servitude that dominated my life for so many years and this was my opportunity to let him know it.

He was finally yelling at me which empowered me and for one of the few times in our relationship I yelled back. If Lou hadn't walked in we could've kept it up for hours I am sure: digging up the things we've never said to one another, getting out the hurt and anger and confusion and love that I know we both feel. But I guess that wasn't meant to be. Campaigns move forward and so do we, and I don't know if we will ever find the time or make the time to say what needs to be said.

I left the room knowing for certain that while Josh might miss me everyday, he certainly wasn't looking forward to being around me everyday either. He wants the old Donna back and I am not willing to be her. I got the chance to prove that later as we were driving and the group was discussing the abortion dilemma. When I say group I don't mean to imply that I was included in this discussion. I was, of course, relegated to the front seat and probably meant to be a passenger only but that was the old Donna Moss.

I heard, Bram, a wet behind the ears campaigner if I ever saw one, speak up and I felt empowered to do the same. My comments were good, and similar to the type I would've shared with Josh behind closed doors when we worked at the White House. Now I just let them have it. I spoke clearly and with authority and the look on Josh's face couldn't have been more telling. He took my advice, he gave a directive, he didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening. If that's the way he wants it, I will gladly comply. I think Lou could use a new mentee in professional politics and it appears I have lost my pain in the butt mentor for good.

Please review- let me know if it sounds like her voice. Thanks!


End file.
